August 5, 2019

Living With Anxiety

Although I have lots of ideas, drafts saved and thoughts going on...I took a blogging break last week.

We have been on the go, which is so fun during the Summer months, but can also take a toll on me. I just didn't have the mental capacity to sit down and form a proper thought for more than 5 minutes. Last week, life gave me more than I could handle. Being open on the blog helps me, and in turn I hope it helps someone else out there ( so apologize my broken chain of thoughts and events).
Monday I had an MRI scheduled for my breasts- part of my, now routine procedures in addition to mammograms since I am high risk for breast cancer. We are short at work due to some vacations and a medical leave, and my phone did NOT stop ringing all Monday morning. I left for my MRI, arrived to the hospital and there was about 6 signs up noting construction. I proceed to the parking garage and have to park on the sixth floor, then find the third floor to take a bridge to a building connected to the hospital. Note, I never got a confirmation or information stating where to arrive for the MRI. So, there I am roaming around the hospital when my work phone is buzzing with alerts. I finally find myself in the ER and ask for help and make my way to the MRI. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, that I fell asleep during the MRI and when it was over jerked my head up and hit it since I was still inside the apparatus LOL. I got home from work and decided Bella and I were going to the pool since it was 90 degrees. We had so much fun, got home and as I'm making dinner open the cupboard to a jar of spaghetti sauce flying out, smashing off the counter and glass and sauce ALL over the place.
Tuesday brought a phone call that they found a spot on my MRI and needed me to come in for an ultrasound to take a closer look at things. I lost it. I was sitting at my desk bawling my eyes out ten minutes before I had a business lunch. I pulled myself together and made it through the next few hours and then my lunch attacked me. I got sick in the bathroom at work, ended up leaving and got sick at least 13 more times (last I lost count). 
Wednesday I was in bed all day, still sick and feeling awful and I can't tell you how many times I randomly cried. Worrying about this ultrasound, missing my Mom, feeling like a bad wife and Mom, just overwhelmed.
Anxiety can rear it's head in many ways, and for me- as I've mentioned here before it's appointments, organization and schedules. When things disrupt my schedule it's hard and I need to find ways to cope effectively. I've had to make more appointments on top of the appointments that already worry and overwhelm me and that's tough. I'm seeing a new doctor for my thyroid issues and being referred to a neurologist because my migraines have been severely awful- it's just too much for me to deal with at times. Thinking about the appointments, getting the phone calls, finding the office- it's all pretty routine things, but when all of this happens in a short period of time I break down. 
For others it may be social anxiety or fear of public speaking, there's so many things and anxiety is NOT easy. People think it's as simple as calming down, but when the fears in your head overwhelm you to the point that you can't function- there's no simplicity to it.
I decided to take a break from the blog, a break from making plans, and just chill. I went to bed at 8:30 a few nights, laid in bed after work and said no to a few things that popped up throughout the week. It was much needed, and seemed to give me the reset and clarity I needed. Sometimes you just need a good cry, too. I read some of my book, listened to Influenced the Podcast which always makes me smile and rested. It's been SO long since we've seen a sunset at the beach, so I asked Chuck if we could go- I needed it. 
If you need a break, take it. If you need to talk to someone, do it. If you need to cry it out, I suggest a hot shower. Living with anxiety is difficult and even when you are taking the steps to help, you can still find yourself on a crazy path that you may travel before getting back to your normal. It's taking an extra pill when you may need it or getting a massage or heck, going to bed at 8 pm. Anxiety is real and if you're someone dealing with it- I am thinking of you and here for you. We all need to know that someone is in our corner, and while we can't always understand what others are going there we can still BE THERE for them. I hope you have several in your corner-know that I'm one of them.
**I wrote this prior to my ultrasound, and wanted to let you know that it turned out to be an enlarged benign lymph node and am so thankful that's all it was. 

Thanks for listening, being supportive during my absence, your sweet messages and this wonderful community. Do something for YOU today! xo!

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