October 8, 2018

Living Outside Perfection

It's hard to say these words, but I'm doing it. I'm trying my hardest to not be a perfectionist.
To be honest, I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't been anything but tough on myself. It's a vicious cycle that sometimes inspires me and lights a fire under my ass, but other times has me sulking and stressing and wondering why I can't do better.

I have very clear memories of big moments in my life where I made myself so sick that I don't remember how I got to the point where I succeeded- and where is the fun or triumph in that? Often times I wonder if this is where some of my anxiety stems from- because if things aren't orderly and done right then it's not perfection to me.
Every little bit of the house has to be clean before I could think about relaxing...not even relaxing, just sitting down. It's maddening and stressful, and I'm working on changing.

I've mentioned a few times that I have a new career, but haven't dove in to what I'm doing because it just hasn't been necessary. Today, I feel that it is- as part of my story and why I'm working on changing this perfection standard I hold myself to. I am working as an Underwriter for a Fortune 500 company and it's extremely rewarding, but also kind of scary. As an Underwriter, I look at some facts, history and other data and assess if my company is willing to insure a risk. There's a lot that goes in to it, and I've been told that the 6 months of training I am going through doesn't even begin to touch the surface of what we learn. As a perfectionist, it stops me right in my tracks and makes me want to go find the Marketing department in the building. Give me something I'm used to- that I'm great at...I can kill it in that department. I have been wanting a new challenge, and this is it. Part of this challenge includes living outside perfection, because when you deal with risks- it doesn't always work out.
My career isn't the only thing that has made me want to lighten up...I want to be more relaxed for my own sanity, the happiness of my family and to love life a little more. Why beat myself up? If I tried my best and gave it my all and still didn't win that particular slice in time...I at least tried, right?!

I'm sure I'm not the only one that picks on their own appearance. I'll see a picture of myself and point out all the things wrong with it. I don't want to look in the mirror and criticize myself- especially when I have a daughter watching my every move. I want to teach her that you don't have to be perfect, being YOU is enough. I wasn't going to share these pictures because I didn't love how I looked, but that's no way to look at myself-or life. These are great pictures of a fun day and making memories with my family. Here's me- unedited and imperfect...
So here's to dirty onesies, dishes in the sink, failing a really hard test and letting go a little. I'm trying my best to live outside perfection and I think it's going to be great.

What are your thoughts? Are you a perfectionist? How do you help yourself lighten up?

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