September 17, 2018

A Letter To My Mom On The Anniversary Of Her Death

It's hard not having my Mom here on Earth. That's probably pretty easy to realize to an outsider.
But what you don't see is alllll the things that come along with not having a parent. Tomorrow, September 18, 2018 marks 18 years without my Mom. I was 17 when she passed away- so she's been gone more years than those I had with her. I decided to write her a letter and share what's been on my mind.

Dear Mom,
Hey. How's it going? Me- I'm doing pretty good. I say that and then the tears start to flow. I think this has been the best year I've had in the most recent ones, so that's pretty great. I know I don't talk out loud to you often, but I'm sure you see how much I think about you.

One day a few months ago I was walking in to work and looked down at my phone and realized the date. It was the 18th day of the month, and the year is 2018. 18 always sticks out to me- it's the day you left. I did the math (which we know I'm not good at), but this one came easy. I was reminded that this year marks the year that you've been gone 18 more year than I had with you. That's not fair. I know you fought your hardest, but many days I still wonder why you were chosen. 

You were the most amazing Mom. The boldest memories I have I hold tight to my heart. Walking in the house after school during the holidays to you baking and always cheering the loudest on the sidelines during soccer games. I wish I had the chance to tell you how great you are today.

These feelings of grief hit me at the craziest times. If you were still alive, I wouldn't have to wonder if I make you proud. If you were still here, I wouldn't have to wonder what it would be like for you to hold Bella. I wish we could have girls days and go to dinner together. I wish I could have you at my house and that you were here to see my family. 
If you were still alive, I wouldn't have these crazy feelings of fear thinking who's next to leave. I also wouldn't realize how important it is to live each day like it's your last. 

As much as I miss you, I'm so thankful for what you taught me while you were here. I hope that I'm half the Mom you were. Thank you for Bella. I am convinced you hand picked her and gave her the light in her eyes when she smiles. I know that is you, you live on in her. 

Mom- I just miss you. I know you're dancing in heaven and watching down on us. Thank you for protecting me and leading me- not a day goes by where I don't think of you. I love you so much.

I'm not big on taking pictures at the cemetery, but when we last went Bella climbed up on the stone and sat so peacefully while she looked around. I had to capture it- my 2 Angels.

Thank you for listening.

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