March 28, 2018

Life As A Motherless Mother

As some of you may know, my Mom passed away 18 years ago this September after a battle with cancer. I was 17 years old, a senior in high school when it happened and it's something that has changed my life.

I've told some of my friends recently, but now that I'm a Mom myself I look back on those last few years with my own and wish I could change some things. My parents were divorced, I was a stubborn teen girl and my Mom had found out she had cancer. I didn't know how to handle things and a lot of times I just shut down. I said things I wish I wouldn't have, stomped my feet as I stormed up to my room and was pissed off. I should have helped her more and been there for her- it's one of few and only regrets in life.

All of this has taught me not to take things for granted. I can't tell you how many times in the past 5 months with Bella I've sat rocking her in her nursery and cried until I can't see. My daughter will never meet her Grandma. I sit and wonder what Bella would call her- Grammie, breaks my heart. I think about how I'm going to tell her she will never meet her, how am I supposed to do this?!

It's hard to explain, but it feels like there's always a piece of me missing. It's been a long time...too long since she's left, but so often it feels like yesterday. To think that she's missed so much is so painful and unfair, but I know she's guiding me along the way. It's the times when we told our parents that we were going to be having a baby that were so happy, and then so sad for me to not have that conversation with my Mom. The smiles and hugs at our gender reveal...but one person missing. 

I always loved when my Mom baked alllll kinds of goodies for Christmas, and it's been something I've done for the past several years to carry on her tradition. This year I was on maternity leave and got to really enjoy the holiday season, my first one with was so special. One day I was in the kitchen baking with her laying on the counter in her Dock-A-Tot and broke down. It hit me that we would never have those memories with my Mom. I cried for a few minutes, then picked Bella up and danced around the kitchen until the tears were happy ones. 

This isn't a story for's one to tell you that life without a Mom isn't easy. Some days it hits you like it was yesterday that she was taken away and knocks the wind out of me, and other days I feel her here and am so thankful for her presence. If you know someone who lost their Mom, invite them to lunch with yours, include them on some tradition you have with your own...little things like that help so much. 

Life is such a beautiful gift, so I try and enjoy each day. I'm very blessed with my own daughter and look forward to many years full of memories and an Angel watching over both of us. 

Have a great day friends, hug your mom or if she's not near,  tell her you love her today, xo!

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