February 12, 2018

A Letter to My Daughter as Maternity Leave Ends

I wanted to share this letter I wrote to Bella so that I can look back on it after time passes and remember what I was thinking and feeling in these moments.
Dear Bella,
My sweet Angel- I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact I won't be with you all day. I know in my heart that this will be good for our family. Daddy has been working extra hard so that I could stay home with you after our crazy hospital adventures during my pregnancy and after you were born. People think that you don't have to thank your partner for things because you're a team- but I don’t agree. Daddy is a very good man that deserves our praise and has done so much for us these past several months- great men like him are hard to find. We are very lucky to have had this time together. 

I feel like part of me is already missing not watching you wake up from your naps, and show me your big smiles. Thinking that I'll miss the giggles and new noises you make breaks my heart. I enjoy my career though, and I know you will understand the balance of work and family one day too. It’s so silly that I feared I may never have a Mommy bond with you after all those trips back and forth to the NICU, because you are my reason for everything now, along with your big brother. The day you were born, after you arrived I kept looking at your dad crying saying "That's our baby. That's OUR baby!" and I still do the same thing to this day, you're simply amazing Bella boo.

Some days during this time have been really tough- like the ones in the beginning after a few weeks of bliss that turned in to Mommy feeling clueless about what she was doing. Was I good enough to take care of you? What if I did something wrong? I was so scared that I wasn't meant to do this. Some people dream of their wedding day- but I dreamt of having a little girl. I never had a sister, just your Uncle John, so little girls always made me extra happy because it was something different and a fun, new, & special bond.

Your big brother came in to my life years ago and taught me how to put someone before myself- he was such a huge part of growth in my life. He still is, but now you take a little more of our time. I wanted a healthy baby, especially as my pregnancy with you got a little rough. Deep down I felt you were a girl- I just knew you were going to even out the score with Ethan and Daddy in the house. Life with a girl is already so much fun- bows and pink things and new girlie adventures. You’ve added sugar and spice to my life and every day brings something new for us to embark on. 

I have enjoyed every single moment of the past 12 weeks at home with you. Yes- there were times I begged you to stop crying, but I still enjoyed them. I enjoyed them because it was you and me. We were figuring each other out- and there will still be plenty of that, but these new moments were so special. We've gone from you growing inside my belly and me talking to you and telling you to stay strong inside of me before I went to bed in the hospital each night to rocking you in your nursery and me telling you how special you are every day. I cherish those times with you and think about how much I wish my own Mom was still here... so sometimes I tell myself to slow down and enjoy them even more than I already do. A few more minutes rocking you is more important than switching the laundry. Time flies way too fast and we won’t ever get yesterday back.
Some babies are already sleeping in their cribs- their Mommy’s are braver than I am. I’m not exactly sure when it began but one night I fell asleep in bed with you in my arms and every night forward has been the same. You would think I may not get enough rest but it’s actually the opposite because I sleep so well snuggling you. Lately you will stroke my face and put your hands around it while you get yourself to sleep and we stare in to each other’s eyes until yours close and I know that this is what I’ve wanted for so long. You’re my sweet Angel sent to melt my heart. 

I know there is SO much more to come and I wonder all the time what you are thinking. I hope somewhere inside your tiny body that you know how much I've absolutely loved the past 12 weeks with you. I'm so so SO thankful you're mine- from those big blue eyes to those long legs you kick in the air and those silly giggles. Every part of you is incredibly snuggly and I'm so incredibly blessed.

You won’t remember these past few months but I’ll never forget them. You’ve taught me so much- just like your brother did and I learned new things about myself. 
Thank you for learning the ropes with me, dealing with my happy tears and my silly mom voice , the moments when I cry my eyes out and squeeze you extra tight , and our Target runs. You'll learn that I may not always have it all together, but I'm doing my very best for you and your big brother. My life is so much brighter with you in it and I'm always thinking about you when I'm not with you. 

I love you baby Bella. Forever and ever. 

*I return to work tomorrow after a long 6 months off and 3 months with Bella. I would appreciate all your good vibes  and thoughts during this rough transitional time for my new Mommy self. xo!

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