February 27, 2017

Dear Mom...

I don't talk about my Mom too often on the blog because to be honest it sometimes means sad stories and bitterness that she's not here, but that's wrong and I definitely do not want those things to be the only thoughts of her. There's lot of people who have passed on from us on Earth and just because I hurt and grieve because she's not physically here with me, doesn't mean I can't share some things with her. 
While I know she's always with me, and I certainly believe she's watching over me and protecting and guiding's nice to have this space to let it all out and reflect on some important things.
Dear Mom,
I found a man who loves me...for me. He adores me and puts up with my crazy antics- like when I'm really sleepy in the morning and don't like to talk to anyone. You would bring me a glass of milk or cranberry grape juice to start my days...and he brings me coffee. It's pretty awesome and you would love him...he's a total goofball like you, and we love to dance around the house and in the car and just about anywhere. I always talk about how good of a dancer you were.

Turns out I'm a Stepmom now...remember when I didn't like the idea of having one? I give them all the credit , because it's not an easy thing. I don't have all the patience in the world, but I'm learning new things every day. I see why you always wanted to be with your children, because I miss Ethan the second he's not here. You would get the biggest kick out of him, he's the cutest and sweetest little dude with such a big fun personality. Being a parent is really amazing.

I swear I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life, other than be happy. I just enjoy helping people and seeing them smile. Whether it's planning an event, making a sign, helping a bride or wherever life takes me I just want to be happy. A title at a job doesn't mean as much to me as my title with family...I want to be a good wife and mom and make my family as happy as they make me.

Thank you for pushing me to get a job and showing me what working hard was like. Sometimes I get jealous of people who seem to fly through life so easily, but then I remember that the journey is what usually teaches us the most. From scooping ice cream at age 16 to working two jobs night and day right out of college to get my first's all made me realize that it feels good to work hard to get things you want out of life. I even worked at one of your old hangouts in Erie for a few was a fun job and I sometimes wish I could meet you for a drink there to talk about our day.

I remember you telling me I was the most stubborn person you knew. It's still true. I'm hard headed and don't always see the other side. But...I love hard and fight for the ones I love and I know I got it from you. You always, always, always put us first and now that I'm an adult I constantly am reminded of the times I should have been way more appreciative of you. So, thank you for all you did...I know it wasn't easy, but this stubborn one actually does understand now.

I call your parents every day on my way home from work. Gram is still sweet as ever and always asks how everyone is...even my girlfriends, and their babies, and their dogs....every single day. Nanu can't hear so well no matter how many outrageously priced hearing aids he gets, but he takes care of me like he took care of you. I know I can ask him to help me with absolutely anything and he won't ever hesitate. They are always together and it's the cutest thing and I treasure our relationship. I love that we are still so close like we were as I was growing up. They became parents once again raising me after you passed and you would be so thankful for the great job they did. I can't imagine taking in a 17 year old at their age, and I was far from an angel...but they still acted like I was one when they are the true angels.

I know you watch over me all the time and give me strength in the times I need it most. I was so scared of being a wreck on my wedding day, but I just felt this sense of calmness all around me and it was amazing. You were there in the form of a butterfly, and you're in every single family picture...thank you for taking that seat in the front row.

I'm a crazy decorator like you and really like crafty things. Hilarious, right? The girl who despised art class lives for a great DIY. I go crazy at Christmas, and I blame you...but really I love it. The baking, the trees in every room, the happiness at every all comes from you. You made my life so damn good growing up and I honestly had no clue while I was in the midst of it. I constantly smile remembering the good times, I'm so thankful for those memories.

I can't stop saying THANK YOU. A lot of times I wish I could pay you back for all you did and the wonderful life and opportunities you gave me, but I'm trying my hardest to live a life you would be proud of every day.

Even if you haven't lost someone close to you, it's always important to step back and look at what your life and what you fill it with. No one can show you or tell you what your grief will look like or act like, but you can get through it any way you want. My grieving process seems to change often, and now this is part of it.
If you take anything from reading my rambling...take a moment each day to reflect and count your blessings. They are all around you, even in the silliest places and sometimes the littlest reminders.

Thank you for reading friends...Xo!

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