I always seem to be rushing so that I can be ahead of schedule, or arrive early...just in case something may happen. I think in general that's a great way to live life...to be prepared for things that may occur. Lately though, life seems to be pulling me in a lot of directions. Day to day I feel like life in general is just wearing on me and I stopped to think about it during my massage last week and sort of figured out why.
I don't give myself grace. If I'm late, even if it's two minutes before I should be at work I feel like I've done something wrong, that I've let someone down, and my whole morning is rough. I wear a lot of hats at work, which is exciting, but when I'm not ahead of schedule suddenly my world is crashing down on me. When it comes to life at home I walk in the door after work and go right to unloading the dishwasher, picking up the living room, or helping Ethan with homework before I change or sit down and have a moment to decompress.
At this point you may be saying...well, then stop. Slow down. You see, for me...it's hard. Part of it comes from my anxiety and I really believe that the other part is just how I'm built. I am extremely tough on myself when it comes to my work and always have been. I don't ever recall my parents yelling at me or being punished for bad grades, so I'm not exactly sure where it came from but it's who I am. If I miss something due to some forgetfulness or don't put forth my 110% because I slipped up somewhere it sets me off.
I feel that my work and what I put out there is a huge part of what defines me. Sometimes situations happen and I think of the worst thing to happen instead of realizing that changes can be made and something two months from now doesn't need figured out right this moment. I don't give myself the grace to let things work themselves out. I even find myself getting upset with myself as a parent when Ethan is having trouble at school. Last year he had a rough time for a while and I cried and cried wondering what I was doing wrong.
I don't want to go through life stressed out or being so tough on myself, but I find it hard to give myself the grace I deserve because I want to do everything well. Does that make sense? I mean no one wants to fail...as an employee, a mother, a friend, a companion or anything. But I am working on finding the line where my perception of all these things ends and real life begins.
We mess up, it's human nature. People make mistakes and they also do amazing things. You can have a successful day at work but come home to a disaster of a kitchen and the sun will still set.
I'm positive that it's all possible, even in one day...I'm just managing the minutes in an attempt to live my best life, with some grace sprinkled in.
How do you give yourself grace day to day?