My Angel

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. 14 years ago she was taken from us and I will forever remember it like the events just happened yesterday.

I was a senior in a new high school. My mom had stage 3 breast cancer that had eventually spread all through her body and affected her brain also. The last few months of her life progressively got worse. She was on so many medications that she couldn't remember our names, things that happened a few minutes ago and it was very hard for all of us. My mom stayed at home while dealing with all of these ailments and we had assistance from the Visiting Nurses Association (Hospice) so that she could be in comfort.

The morning she passed I overheard my grandmother telling my grandfather that she was going to die. Very soon. My grandmother worked in a nursing home facility and sadly, saw people die every day. The things that took place that morning indicated my mom's body was shutting down and she was not going to be with us much longer. I got dressed for school and told my grandmother I wasn't staying home. I told her I heard what happened and I refused to be there to see it. After some consideration and explanation from my wise grandmother I stayed at home that morning. My uncle (my mom's only brother) was working third shift and we had called him to ask him to come over when he was done with work. My mom was pronounced dead five minutes after he got there. I couldn't stand by her side and tell her goodbye. I just sat and looked at her. She was smiling. I swear she was always smiling...even through all the cancer, the chemotherapy, the surgeries, the pain. I don't know how the hell she did it.

My mom experienced so many things during her life that I wish she would have never had to endure. Yet, through it all she stayed positive. I like to think I get my resilience from her. I thank her for that every day.

No one ever thinks that they will lose their mom. I wouldn't wish the pain I feel missing her on anyone. She was an absolutely amazing person. 

In honor of my mom I made a little list of things I would do if she were here today.

1. I would take more pictures with her. I know that technology has changed and every 2 seconds pictures are being snapped making it easier these days to have those moments. I constantly look at old pictures to remember her, but wish I had more.

2. I would thank her for simply being my mom. I never realized how hard it was to take on the role of a parent until Ethan moved in with us. Being a parent is exhausting, but so worthwhile. I already knew she sacrificed alot, but it means even more being an adult.

3. I would ask her why I had some of the most awful hairstyles (HA).

4. I would fight less with her. My mom & I were alot alike. Stubborn at times. Persistent. It led to bickering and I look back wishing I would have been nicer.

5. I would repay her a million times back for all she did. I know life isn't about the monetary things but my mom always made sure we were taken care of. She liked to spoil us and would always put us first. I always had expensive homecoming dresses I didn't need, too many shoes, and made trips to the tanning and nail salon whenever I wanted. I would love to pamper and spoil her if she were here today.

6. I would love to sit and talk with her. About nothing and everything all at the same time. I lost my mom when I was 18 years old. There's so many times that things happen throughout my day that I want to talk to someone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone but her. So I do. I do it out loud at home, and I cry. I would do anything to be able to hear her voice and her sense of reason.

Cherish every moment you have with EVERY loved one. Life is so precious. Let go of the silly stuff. Don't hold a grudge. Smile more. Love often.