August 6, 2014

The Sad Reality // Loss Doesn't Always Get Easier

I like to keep things light hearted and fun, instructional and happy here in this space of mine. My main mission as a blogger is to share some of my world and spread positivity. I think there can always be more happiness to share with each other.

Sometimes though...I need to just write. I need to be honest and let you know what I'm thinking. Why should I have a blog if I'm not going to be real? Today I want to share some true feelings I can't seem to shake lately.

My mom passed away the summer before my senior year of high school. I was brand new to Erie, and knew the girls I had met on the soccer team when I joined. I was scared shitless to go back to school after she died. I was the NEW girl who's mom just died. I felt like a freak that didn't belong anywhere.

I was jealous at prom when mom's were around taking pictures. I was mad that she wasn't there at my high school graduation to scream and cheer when I walked across the stage.

Today....13 years later I am still feeling mad, jealous and extremely sad. I feel like the past two years have become so much worse and I can't pinpoint why. Everyone says when you lose someone that it will get easier over time.

I am calling bullshit.

Yes, I don't have nightmares anymore about my mom. I went through a period where these bad things would happen in my mind and I would wake up scared thinking she was here and was going to die some other way. It was very weird and it lasted a while.
I do remember about four years ago the first pleasant dream I had about my mom. Ever. I woke up and felt so content and happy and that she was sending me a message.

I wonder if she is sending me a message now.
Lately, with wedding planning I am a complete wreck. Don't get me wrong...I am loving being engaged and enjoying planning details of our big day.
But. I am also experiencing overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger and jealousy. I can't shake it. I have people in my life that are wonderful and that are here to help me every step of the way. I never want to offend them, but they just aren't my mom.

You know what's crazy too? My mom and I butted heads alot when I was growing up. My brother was a total mama's boy and my mom and I were much alike. I remember getting so mad at her I would scream and yell and try to stay mad at her. Man am I kicking myself in the ass for that now. I know you can't go back and change things and sometimes I wonder why I keep thinking about these things.

Do I have more "demons" I need to deal with? Am I experiencing another stage of the grieving process? What is going on? It seems to literally be driving me crazy because it is causing me to react to things in wrong ways.

Someone gives their opinion about my wedding plans that I don't like and I stew about it. I get so mad that I complain and act a fool. Deep down I'm mad I can't call my mom and tell her my plans and have her say "That's great. What can I help you with?" Again, I am blessed with several sweet people in my life to go through this planning with me, but it's just NOT THE SAME.

I feel that I am going to be an emotional wreck as the wedding comes closer if I can't keep it together now. I don't know what to do and I really don't know why this is happening.

I don't want to put the message out there to people that you can't move forward from losing someone or experiencing death. You can. I have come leaps and bounds from where I was. Right now it seems as if I have taken a few steps back or am spinning in a grief circle.

I try to remember to breathe. Move at my own pace. Enjoy the moment.
I may not have my mom here, but I do have a lovely angel in heaven always watching over me.

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  1. Hugs. I don't have any sort of advice. I'm just sorry that you're having a hard time <3

  2. Sending hugs and love your way. A very heartbreaking post but very real and raw. I hope as the wedding gets closer you're able to find peace and serenity knowing she has a front row seat to every activity and event. 😘💌

    1. Thank you friend. How incredibly sweet of you. She sure is front row VIP :) XO!