August 28, 2014

Happy Peace of My Heart

I'm not quite sure how I should start this post. I have 9,384  thoughts running through my head, which is odd for this time of the night. Normally I'm pretty exhuasted from my day to think about anything much other than what I forgot to do or didn't have time to do all day.

Tonight was spent celebrating Ethan becoming a fifth grader next week. Chuck, Ethan, Ethan's mom and I went to Open House at his elementary school and then surprised him for a night of fun at Chuck E. Cheese and one of his favorite restuarants, T.G.I. Friday's.

This may seem like no big deal to most people, and tonight for me, it wasn't. If you were to ask me a few years ago if I would ever want to be in the same room with all of us together...I would laugh. I would probably roll my eyes and let out a snicker and think of all the things I may rather want to do with my Thursday night.

When you become a stepmom (soon to be) or.... dad's girlfriend for 7 years, things happen you never thought possible. I have watched a child, who isn't mine grow in to the most intelligent and kind hearted young man. I have cried when I had to miss a school activity because of work. I have fought with my fiancee as to why his son doesn't always respect me. I have been able to learn how life goes to care for a child day in and day out. There has been some blood, sweat, and certainly tears down my road.
Along with a stepson, comes his mom. Ethan's mom and I haven't always got along and it came to a point that I wasn't sure if we ever would. I am not going to share details of our relationship, because it doesn't matter. There was a rocky road, moments where a "hello" was all that was muttered, and thankfully years later it has turned in to a friendship.

I honestly believe it took growing to love myself more before I could care for her and reach a level of respect for the woman who is Ethan's mother. I look back and am disappointed in the person I was and ways I treated her in the past. If ANYONE ever did anything to hurt my mom there would be a problem. I realized that to have SO much love in my heart for Ethan and not care for his mom was not right.

I've gone through alot of shit in my life. There were things I believed were going to break me to the core. There were times I didn't know if I was going to want to see the next day. That is no way to live. I am a very emotional person and haven't always expressed my feelings in the proper way. It's hard for me to deal with things and I lash out in the worst ways. I still am working on that area of my soul and heart.

The part of my heart that has allowed myself to create a new "normal" for our family is happy tonight. I never in a million years would think that I would be spending a Thursday night with my fiance, his son, and his ex-wife. People may not understand our situation. They may look at us and see something weird, but when I look at Ethan running around playing games with his mom and thanking his dad for dinner it gives me hope.
I hope that Ethan grows up knowing how damn much he is loved. I hope Ethan takes advantage of every single day that he has 3 people raising him. I hope he realizes how much I care for him and respect his mother. Without her, I would never have this little man to bring happiness, craziness and tons of fun to my life.

I am fortunate to have been able to find the peace I was seeking from within to let myself be happy with our family. My life has never been quite normal, so why start now? This is how it all is supposed to be.

I wish anyone in a tough situation whether it be with a child, a relationship, or some other area to get to a place of peace. It may take time, patience and work but in the end I promise the outcome will be beautiful.

Thank you Chuck for loving me through all of the hard times enough to enjoy the wonderful ones. Thank you Ethan for allowing me to love you more than myself.
Thank you Daisy for accepting me just how I am.

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  1. This is a beautiful post. I know that split-parents situations must be difficult, but I love how you've all put aside your differences to enjoy this boy growing up. That is definitely his ideal outcome (for all 4 of you to be together), and he's lucky that he gets to have that. I hope he enjoys the beginning to his 5th grade year!

    1. Thank you girl. I am so happy that we have worked things out so that he can have an amazing childhood. His happiness is MOST important :) Thank you for the sweet comment.

  2. Wow! This post about made me cry!! :( I love that y'all are able coparent together now!

    1. Thank you so much for reading :) It has been a long and tough road, but we have made it work as best we can. I appreciate you taking the time to read adn comment. :)